I've been shy since I was little - since I can remember. And talking to people I don't know - adults in particular - has always been hard for me. It's why I never ask for directions, if I can help it. It's why I never ask for help in a store, if I can help it. Whenever I could, I'd always get my sister to talk to people for me. But I never had a problem with kids (unless they were mean).
Being an army brat meant that I moved around a bit, so I met a lot of new people - but it was almost always kids. I didn't have a problem talking with other kids, and I'd actually be outgoing with them, if the situation necessitated it. Going to a new school was actually fun for me, cuz I got to meet new kids, and I had no problem with that.
But being an army brat also mean that I didn't really live near a lot of family. Going to see grandparents was pretty rare. So rare in fact, that I remember going for their funerals about as much as I remember the visits. I never got to meet one grandmother (she died before I was born), and the other didn't know who I was by the time I knew who she was. I remember one grandfather loving to give me peach Nehi soda. He died right around the time that my grandmother who didn't know me died - when I was five. My last grandfather, the one who lived the longest of them all, was mean.
He liked to stir up drama in the family. He seemed not to think much of anyone - especially not my family. Funnily enough, I don't remember a specific action that he took against me - just looks and feelings. I know, I know, I was a kid. And as a child of the very last child of 9, grandkids weren't anything special anymore (if they ever were to him). But he never made me feel welcome. Me or my sister. He died when I was 10.
So I never liked old people. I learned they were mean. I met plenty more that fit the same bill. In fact, I met my first really nice, relatable old people 5 years ago. I still tend to avoid them in general, but I'm getting over my fear. I think part of it has to do with the fact that my parents are getting older, too.
Because my grandparents were all gone by the time I hit double digits, it still surprises me when friends or acquaintances older than me have living grandparents. Today, a coworker burst into tears when she found out her grandfather died. And I'm sorry for her loss - for the loss she feels - but I don't really understand it. He was really old.
And I know I should be more empathetic, but I don't feel like I have it in me. I can't understand the relationship that people have with their grandparents because I never had it. I don't even know what they're talking about when they try to explain. Then I have thoughts that are best left unwritten. Uncharitable thoughts. When I really do feel bad that my friends feel bad. I just don't understand why they do. So, the amount of care I have wanes quickly.
Not quite so nice.
