still sick

Today I can only breathe through one nostril at a time.  And it alternates.  Randomly.  I don't know why, but it's hard to get used to.  Though I suppose it's just the cold running its course - which I'm now convinced it is - a cold in cahoots with my allergies to makes this week the worst lead-up to the most important approval meeting of my working life.  I'm not super worried, cuz I'm not a worrier.  But I am having some crazy dreams.

Two nights ago I dreamt that my pastor was yelling at me for not going on this trip I was supposed to go on this wknd.  I never wanted to go.  Ever.  And was trying to figure out a way NOT to go.  And that's the best part of being sick right now.  Not having to go and having a legit excuse.

I also seemed to work in a weird dream about an assasination plot to kill Hamid Karzai.  I'm sure that'll get my blog flagged as all kinds of noteworthy, but apparently it was so realistic I was surprised to hear folks talk about him in the present tense on NPR this morning.  I think I was a spy or something and we were in Afghanistan, and I remember some kind of team meeting but that's about it.  There was a good reason for it, but I have no idea what it was.

People at work tell me it's because I was taking Zyrtec.  Even if it was children's chewable Zyrtec.  And apparently Mucinex is even worse.  Which is weird - because I already have vivid/strange dreams.  I wouldn't attribute either of these to the Zyrtec cuz they're not off the strange radar for me.

One time when I was a teenager, I dreamt that I was actually going out with a boy I had a crush on.  So much so that when I woke up, I picked up the phone to call him...Only then realizing that he would be wondering why I was calling him in the morning since we didn't really talk.  At all, really.  Now that I think of it - I think it was kinda weird that I even knew his phone number.

All that is just to prove that I'm able to deliver wild dreams sans drug interferences.  FUN!

being sick bites

I started sneezing Friday night after I got home.  Now I'm full-on, glasses-wearing, vitamin-C glutton sick.  I dunno if it's just allergies or if I've picked up some kind of bug, but I'm not at 100% by any means.  Being sick is a particularly difficult task for me, because I don't respond well to medicine.  Or rather I tend not to respond at all.  Unless my body's pumped FULL of drugs.  That and the fact that I can't swallow normal-sized pills makes treatment difficult.

Here's an interesting list - netflix movie categories recommended to me based on my previous viewing and ratings (only the most interesting categories are listed):

1 - Emotional Movies Featuring a Strong Female Lead

2 - Critically-acclaimed Fight-the-System Movies

3 - Romantic Workplace Comedies

4 - Sentimental Tearjerkers

5 - Suspenseful High School Movies

spring forward

I'm currently suffering from the combined effects of the loss of an hour of sleep and ... a few more from the reading hangover from last night.  I have a serious problem with books.  I've had it since I was about 9 or 10, I guess.  Once I'm into a good book, I can't put it down.

It got so bad with Harry Potter that I read them all in one day - not all seven books in one day, but each book the day I got them.  It was awful.  Because I started reading them right before book 4 came out.  Which meant  that I had to wait - years - for each of the next books to come out.  What a pain.

Now I'm reading the Percy Jackson and the Olympian series [I love kid fic!].  I love that the books have all already been written, but I'm still having trouble finding the last one in paperback.  Meanwhile, I read book 3 and 4 last night.  Hence the book hangover.

One another confession?  I love Gossip Girl because of Blair & Chuck.  And I've always felt like he looks a lil brown - on the show.  IRL he's SO white.  Not Robert Pattinson white [ew, gross!] - but unmistakably White.  And - I hate Serena.  She's a selfish idiot who doesn't care about anyone but herself - and her story isn't even interesting.

Now I need sleep.

the birthday week - embarrassment

I'm not sure where this comes from, but I have a huge problem with embarrassment.  HUGE.

Movies where people do really, really, really stupid things and are made fun of by other people?  I can't handle those parts.  I end up not liking the movie and feeling really uncomfortable while the incident is taking place.

Just now?  I had to mute The Office because Steve Carell - though I love him as a comedic actor - he's SO stupid sometimes that I can't watch.  I don't actually watch the show that much anymore - it's just now that Fringe is over...And I can't handle it.  It's been on mute for most of the ep.

A few years ago, my boss got married.  At her reception, a drunk coworker made a complete @ss of himself.  I wanted the ground to open up - and I didn't even know most of the people there.  I'd only been at the job a few month - I barely knew my boss. 

When I was younger and people who couldn't sing used to get up in front of church to do special music [because it was church and no one had the heart to tell them that they couldn't sing] - I would sink down in my seat and hope no one would look at me.  This was actually for two reasons - the fact that I was embarrassed for them, and the fact that I couldn't stop myself from laughing.  Sometimes I laugh, even if I'm uncomfortable.  Maybe I'm weird that way, I dunno.

But all of this is to say that I feel real anxiety in these and other embarrassing situations.  I don't know why, I don't know how to stop it - it doesn't really bother me except for my own discomfort. 

Every once in a while I do something personally embarrassing.  Or I remember something I did that was.  Or I realize that time I thought I was being deep, I was actually NOT.  I've had a lot of moments.  Even the memories can cause anxiety. 

My confession?  My continuous fight to be free from shame.  Sometimes I feel like I'm losing, but I'm ok.

the birthday week - over the hump

Birthdays remind me of things I'd like to get accomplished.  I enjoy the celebration of myself, but I also think about what goals I wanted to reach that I haven't reached yet.  So sometimes there are moments of melancholy surrounding the bday - but mostly I'm happy.

1 - I love to reward myself during my bday week.  Eat the desserts I love, drink juice, sleep late, shop.  All my vices in a skirmish of happy indulgence.

2 - I got plenty of bday wishes from friends and family today, and the one that gave me a warm feeling was an email with the subject line: 'Look Inside' and the body reading: 'Happy Birthday!!!! J'.  From the same old friend some people think I should marry. 

3 - I'd like to plan more bday festivities for the week and month, even, but I kinda feel like that'd be gratuitous.  Especially considering that some of my friends aren't doing well financially right now.  

4 - I think I could be happy unemployed.  Maybe for a while.  If I had some other source of income.  I might be just the kind of lazy bum to enjoy never working again.  

5 - Random confession:  Swallowing pills is really hard for me.  So hard I use liquids for cold medicines and chewables for vitamins.  I used to try to bury pills in applesauce or yogurt, but I can't even do that anymore.

the birthday week - Oscar Edition

Amazingly, I'm still awake - watching the Oscars.  The 30s are definitely catching up with me - I can't survive on 2hrs of sleep like I used to. 

these are my confessions, tonight:

1 - This isn't the first year the Oscars seemed like the white Oscars, but it really feels like it tonight.  There's even a black ghetto for the cast of Precious.  In fact - all the black people are on the sides or in the back.  Sometimes I think things will never changes.

2 - I'm a slob.  I only clean up for company - although I really enjoy my house being clean.  I just find it difficult to maintain - being lazy, and all.  So I really like to have regular company, so I can keep a clean house.

3 - My birthday is coming this week, and I expect things to be very low-key,  I kinda would like a week of peace.

4 - Currently, I'm completely addicted to these mango popsicles by Nestle called Delicias.  They have chunks of mango in them and they are delicias.

5 - Ever since I heard Wanda Sykes say that Matt Damon looks like Hilary Swank, that is all I see.

work madness

Got off way late tonight and am now staying up too late - as per usual, really.  I'm looking forward to spring, and kinda to my bday - if I can get some plans together.

I confess today -

1 - I love talking about people.  Not all the time.  But when a group gets on a roll, I jump on that bandwagon.  It's terrible.

2 - I also love telling secrets.  One of the cool things about having friends & family spread out across the country/globe is that you can tell one of them a secret about someone they'll likely never meet, when it's burning a hole in your brain and you just *have* to tell.

3 - Even with all the talking and secret-telling, I really am a good friend.  I'm a lazy mofo, but I'll help you move, or just move your furniture.  I'll babysit your kid if zie's potty trained. [fyi - zie = gender-neutral pronoun; hir = gender-neutral possessive pronoun]

4 - I've dreamt about that guy some friends want me to marry 3 times this week.  I think it's cuz he's moving.  Who knows.

5 - Even though I know the crows in Dumbo and Heckle & Jeckle are super-racist, I still love "When I See an Elephant Fly".  For the harmonies.  I LOVE harmony.  I'm like a fiend.

family ties

Today I came home to help my dad get ready for a trip.  I'm realizing that he actually is getting older, and there's nothing he nor I can do about that.  He forgot a lot of things today.  And that's not usual, but since he was thinking about his trip - I guess it's not cause for real concern.

Today's confessions:

1 - I love my dad parents, but they infuriate me sometimes.  I think to myself - how could they possibly have taught me so much when they seem so inept, now?  And yet I know they have done a lot for me.  I hate feeling ungrateful.

2 - No one at work knows I'm looking for a new job.  But I'm not looking as hard as I should be because I kinda feel bad about leaving them when we just lost someone.  Even though I don't really feel beholden to them.

3 - Sometimes I want my friends to only be my friends.  Or be better friends with me than my other friends.  I just don't like getting left out/missing the fun.

4 - I love doing my taxes.  It makes me feel in control and well-prepared.

5 - I snore.  Enough to make me want to get a recording device and document it to ensure that I won't disturb other people if we spend the night somewhere.  I'm very self-conscious about it.