Last night I couldn't get to sleep for a long time. This is rare for me. Normally I'm asleep in less than 10 minutes. But my mind was going - thinking about all the changes at work, changes my family is going through, changes my friends are going through - there's a lot going on. And I guess it all came to a head in my mind last night.
As I lay in bed, eyes closed, thinking - I thought about a friend of mine. The one that some people think I should end up with. And I realized that I love him. That I had already known that I love him. But that it's not the marrying/mushy/romantic kind of love. I want him to succeed, we've been friends forever, and most likely will always be friends. We know each other in ways few other people do. We're comfortable picking up wherever we left off. And that's it.
There were times long ago when I thought there might be more - but I'm glad there never was. There is a certain kind of connection that we have that is seamless, and easy - because there was never anything more or less than our own certain kind of specialness between us.
He's really the closest thing I have to a brother. And I like it like that.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
sometimes I'm not so nice
I've been shy since I was little - since I can remember. And talking to people I don't know - adults in particular - has always been hard for me. It's why I never ask for directions, if I can help it. It's why I never ask for help in a store, if I can help it. Whenever I could, I'd always get my sister to talk to people for me. But I never had a problem with kids (unless they were mean).
Being an army brat meant that I moved around a bit, so I met a lot of new people - but it was almost always kids. I didn't have a problem talking with other kids, and I'd actually be outgoing with them, if the situation necessitated it. Going to a new school was actually fun for me, cuz I got to meet new kids, and I had no problem with that.
But being an army brat also mean that I didn't really live near a lot of family. Going to see grandparents was pretty rare. So rare in fact, that I remember going for their funerals about as much as I remember the visits. I never got to meet one grandmother (she died before I was born), and the other didn't know who I was by the time I knew who she was. I remember one grandfather loving to give me peach Nehi soda. He died right around the time that my grandmother who didn't know me died - when I was five. My last grandfather, the one who lived the longest of them all, was mean.
He liked to stir up drama in the family. He seemed not to think much of anyone - especially not my family. Funnily enough, I don't remember a specific action that he took against me - just looks and feelings. I know, I know, I was a kid. And as a child of the very last child of 9, grandkids weren't anything special anymore (if they ever were to him). But he never made me feel welcome. Me or my sister. He died when I was 10.
So I never liked old people. I learned they were mean. I met plenty more that fit the same bill. In fact, I met my first really nice, relatable old people 5 years ago. I still tend to avoid them in general, but I'm getting over my fear. I think part of it has to do with the fact that my parents are getting older, too.
Because my grandparents were all gone by the time I hit double digits, it still surprises me when friends or acquaintances older than me have living grandparents. Today, a coworker burst into tears when she found out her grandfather died. And I'm sorry for her loss - for the loss she feels - but I don't really understand it. He was really old.
And I know I should be more empathetic, but I don't feel like I have it in me. I can't understand the relationship that people have with their grandparents because I never had it. I don't even know what they're talking about when they try to explain. Then I have thoughts that are best left unwritten. Uncharitable thoughts. When I really do feel bad that my friends feel bad. I just don't understand why they do. So, the amount of care I have wanes quickly.
Not quite so nice.
Being an army brat meant that I moved around a bit, so I met a lot of new people - but it was almost always kids. I didn't have a problem talking with other kids, and I'd actually be outgoing with them, if the situation necessitated it. Going to a new school was actually fun for me, cuz I got to meet new kids, and I had no problem with that.
But being an army brat also mean that I didn't really live near a lot of family. Going to see grandparents was pretty rare. So rare in fact, that I remember going for their funerals about as much as I remember the visits. I never got to meet one grandmother (she died before I was born), and the other didn't know who I was by the time I knew who she was. I remember one grandfather loving to give me peach Nehi soda. He died right around the time that my grandmother who didn't know me died - when I was five. My last grandfather, the one who lived the longest of them all, was mean.
He liked to stir up drama in the family. He seemed not to think much of anyone - especially not my family. Funnily enough, I don't remember a specific action that he took against me - just looks and feelings. I know, I know, I was a kid. And as a child of the very last child of 9, grandkids weren't anything special anymore (if they ever were to him). But he never made me feel welcome. Me or my sister. He died when I was 10.
So I never liked old people. I learned they were mean. I met plenty more that fit the same bill. In fact, I met my first really nice, relatable old people 5 years ago. I still tend to avoid them in general, but I'm getting over my fear. I think part of it has to do with the fact that my parents are getting older, too.
Because my grandparents were all gone by the time I hit double digits, it still surprises me when friends or acquaintances older than me have living grandparents. Today, a coworker burst into tears when she found out her grandfather died. And I'm sorry for her loss - for the loss she feels - but I don't really understand it. He was really old.
And I know I should be more empathetic, but I don't feel like I have it in me. I can't understand the relationship that people have with their grandparents because I never had it. I don't even know what they're talking about when they try to explain. Then I have thoughts that are best left unwritten. Uncharitable thoughts. When I really do feel bad that my friends feel bad. I just don't understand why they do. So, the amount of care I have wanes quickly.
Not quite so nice.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
is this what that means?
When they (Sheryl Crow) say/s "the first cut is the deepest" a what exactly is that referring to? Is it possibly referring to the first person you really fell for being the one that sticks with you even when the moment is long past? Not that I would know or that it would even apply, since I'm fairly certain I've never actually been in love. Almost 100% positive.
I have friends who have been there for the long haul - which I'm really grateful for...cuz even tho we don't live close anymore, and even tho we don't talk that frequently, we can always pick up right where we left off. And it turns out that there aren't many people you can do that with. I can actually count on one hand the number of people I have like that.
And a late night, last min call to or from somebody that's a part of that elite group? Well it's bound to give you some warm fuzzies.
I have friends who have been there for the long haul - which I'm really grateful for...cuz even tho we don't live close anymore, and even tho we don't talk that frequently, we can always pick up right where we left off. And it turns out that there aren't many people you can do that with. I can actually count on one hand the number of people I have like that.
And a late night, last min call to or from somebody that's a part of that elite group? Well it's bound to give you some warm fuzzies.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
navigating race with white people
At the risk of sounding like I'm bragging, sometimes growing up white has it's advantages. Being allergic to confrontation as I am, I've learned to pick my battles when the inevitable race discussions come up. I'm not sure why church people seem to feel more comfortable airing out their prejudices but that's the way it tends to happen. For some reason, it is with them that I am more likely to hear some variation of the "Black friend defense". It is with them that I am more likely to hear that tired argument about White History Month or WET (white entertainment television).
So I suppose I have developed some racial reflexes. Not that we all haven't done that on some level. But I guess I'm just realizing that's what I've done.
1. I don't fight losing battles. Period.. If I know I'm dealing with a devout racist, I say as little as possible and extricate myself asap. No point in wearing myself out when no progress will be made. Now I know some folks think that you should just struggle on for the benefit of those around - but maybe those people haven't been around as many racists, or they're really young or something. I know when I was a bit kore naive I would try to take on the world with my new found knowledge to combat racism and I wore myself out. After comment after comment on this one blog - which really amounted to me banging my head against a wall for an hour or so - I made a comment about how exhausting/emotionally draining it can be. That in turn became a new source of antagonism for the contenders against me. Lesson learned.
2. I never call anyone a racist. I k ow this one sounds like a total copout, but when you're talking to white people, if you call someone other than Hit1er or the K1an racist, the white person just shuts down. They stop listening if they're nice. They start attacking if they're not. Either way, even if it is dancing around it, I avoid this at all costs.
3. I coddle. because I'd like to end this discussion on good terms, if possible. I'm not trying to burn all my bridges here. I live in the South. That means that most of the white people I'm in contact with are harboring racism of some kind - many of them at base still believe in the basic inferiority of brown people (present company excluded). They improve in some ways just through exposure and broadening of horizons - but these people aren't pet projects - they are just unavoidable. So we don't talk about race, and I metPhoricly hold their hands to bring them to a place where they can at least understand that there are other people out there who are still racist.
4. I commisserate. Frankly, if I didn't have any black people to talk to and go over things with, I'd be blowing spit bubbles in the loony bin. When thw wagons must be circled (if I may borrow a colonial reference - revel in the irony), black folks generally know how to come together and support each other - even if it's just a quiet conversation amongst coworkers.
So I avoid the yelling, weeping, and gnashing of teeth that tends to accompany discussions of racism in the presence of white people. But on this particular point must clarify - I have a few white friends that I cam be more relaxed with...but they must each be almost as thoroughly vetted as a potential supreme court justice. =)
So I suppose I have developed some racial reflexes. Not that we all haven't done that on some level. But I guess I'm just realizing that's what I've done.
1. I don't fight losing battles. Period.. If I know I'm dealing with a devout racist, I say as little as possible and extricate myself asap. No point in wearing myself out when no progress will be made. Now I know some folks think that you should just struggle on for the benefit of those around - but maybe those people haven't been around as many racists, or they're really young or something. I know when I was a bit kore naive I would try to take on the world with my new found knowledge to combat racism and I wore myself out. After comment after comment on this one blog - which really amounted to me banging my head against a wall for an hour or so - I made a comment about how exhausting/emotionally draining it can be. That in turn became a new source of antagonism for the contenders against me. Lesson learned.
2. I never call anyone a racist. I k ow this one sounds like a total copout, but when you're talking to white people, if you call someone other than Hit1er or the K1an racist, the white person just shuts down. They stop listening if they're nice. They start attacking if they're not. Either way, even if it is dancing around it, I avoid this at all costs.
3. I coddle. because I'd like to end this discussion on good terms, if possible. I'm not trying to burn all my bridges here. I live in the South. That means that most of the white people I'm in contact with are harboring racism of some kind - many of them at base still believe in the basic inferiority of brown people (present company excluded). They improve in some ways just through exposure and broadening of horizons - but these people aren't pet projects - they are just unavoidable. So we don't talk about race, and I metPhoricly hold their hands to bring them to a place where they can at least understand that there are other people out there who are still racist.
4. I commisserate. Frankly, if I didn't have any black people to talk to and go over things with, I'd be blowing spit bubbles in the loony bin. When thw wagons must be circled (if I may borrow a colonial reference - revel in the irony), black folks generally know how to come together and support each other - even if it's just a quiet conversation amongst coworkers.
So I avoid the yelling, weeping, and gnashing of teeth that tends to accompany discussions of racism in the presence of white people. But on this particular point must clarify - I have a few white friends that I cam be more relaxed with...but they must each be almost as thoroughly vetted as a potential supreme court justice. =)
Monday, April 19, 2010
nostalgia: crush edition
This weekend I had the lovely experience of getting to hang out with friends from when I was a teenager. It was really kinda like old times, except for the fact that they're married, with kids, now. But the kids are great - and are definitely their parents children. I met my friends when we were teens, so now it's like getting to see what they were like when they were younger.
I also got to hang out with friends that I've known even longer. Which I can hardly believe when I think about it - because how is it that I've been knowing people for over 20 years???
One of the guys and I were really close for a while - and I'm not sure what it was that went wrong - something. Something he did, I think. Or, at least, at the time, that's what I would've said. I wasn't always rational when it came to boys back then, though. Whatever it was, I quit talking to him for like, a year or two. I remember one point during that time, talking to a mutual friend, and saying something like "Yeah, I know, but you know what he did!" Except now, I don't know. I really don't remember.
And honestly, I don't want to. I have an inkling that it was something that generally communicated to me that I was not [any longer] the object of his affection. Possibly up to and including finding out that he may have been talking to someone else at the same time he was talking to me. Which would have understandably [vindicatingly, even] left me hurting, and perhaps angry.
We're not close, now. But we can talk. We can hang out. We can reminisce and laugh. And it's good. And this weekend, when a friend I met six years ago told him that "we go back", he said, "No. We go back." And his smile and his look were all part of the memory. And I only remembered the good parts. But I remembered all of the good parts.
It doesn't hurt that he's still cute.
I also got to hang out with friends that I've known even longer. Which I can hardly believe when I think about it - because how is it that I've been knowing people for over 20 years???
One of the guys and I were really close for a while - and I'm not sure what it was that went wrong - something. Something he did, I think. Or, at least, at the time, that's what I would've said. I wasn't always rational when it came to boys back then, though. Whatever it was, I quit talking to him for like, a year or two. I remember one point during that time, talking to a mutual friend, and saying something like "Yeah, I know, but you know what he did!" Except now, I don't know. I really don't remember.
And honestly, I don't want to. I have an inkling that it was something that generally communicated to me that I was not [any longer] the object of his affection. Possibly up to and including finding out that he may have been talking to someone else at the same time he was talking to me. Which would have understandably [vindicatingly, even] left me hurting, and perhaps angry.
We're not close, now. But we can talk. We can hang out. We can reminisce and laugh. And it's good. And this weekend, when a friend I met six years ago told him that "we go back", he said, "No. We go back." And his smile and his look were all part of the memory. And I only remembered the good parts. But I remembered all of the good parts.
It doesn't hurt that he's still cute.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
to NOT getting punk'd
I hate April Fool's Day - at least the prank part of it. Thankfully, no one was feeling froggy this year, so I didn't have to deal with any nonsense. I'm not into pranks, or scaring people - although I love surprises.
No one ever does surprises for me, though. I think it's because people don't really know me. And I wonder if anyone really does. I wonder if anyone even knows that I like surprises. I wonder if anyone would even know what I wanted. And maybe that's it - I don't really want anything, so what would people surprise me with?
I can definitely BE surprised though. In the scary, jump-out-from-behind-a-corner way. And it really freaks me out. I don't hate it to the point of getting angry - but it does get to me.
A long time ago, a boy I was really into jumped out and scared the mess out of me. I have not yet forgotten it. I wasn't angry. But wow - it really impacted me. I can't even explain it. At the time, I feared it had scared some years off of my life. I might have wet my pants if I'd have been any more frightened.
And this wasn't even on April Fool's. It was on the eve of a pretty awesome weekend. Life is funny. You never know where it'll take you, where you'll end up. Sometimes moments are just that.
Sometimes things don't last.
No one ever does surprises for me, though. I think it's because people don't really know me. And I wonder if anyone really does. I wonder if anyone even knows that I like surprises. I wonder if anyone would even know what I wanted. And maybe that's it - I don't really want anything, so what would people surprise me with?
I can definitely BE surprised though. In the scary, jump-out-from-behind-a-corner way. And it really freaks me out. I don't hate it to the point of getting angry - but it does get to me.
A long time ago, a boy I was really into jumped out and scared the mess out of me. I have not yet forgotten it. I wasn't angry. But wow - it really impacted me. I can't even explain it. At the time, I feared it had scared some years off of my life. I might have wet my pants if I'd have been any more frightened.
And this wasn't even on April Fool's. It was on the eve of a pretty awesome weekend. Life is funny. You never know where it'll take you, where you'll end up. Sometimes moments are just that.
Sometimes things don't last.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
still sick
Today I can only breathe through one nostril at a time. And it alternates. Randomly. I don't know why, but it's hard to get used to. Though I suppose it's just the cold running its course - which I'm now convinced it is - a cold in cahoots with my allergies to makes this week the worst lead-up to the most important approval meeting of my working life. I'm not super worried, cuz I'm not a worrier. But I am having some crazy dreams.
Two nights ago I dreamt that my pastor was yelling at me for not going on this trip I was supposed to go on this wknd. I never wanted to go. Ever. And was trying to figure out a way NOT to go. And that's the best part of being sick right now. Not having to go and having a legit excuse.
I also seemed to work in a weird dream about an assasination plot to kill Hamid Karzai. I'm sure that'll get my blog flagged as all kinds of noteworthy, but apparently it was so realistic I was surprised to hear folks talk about him in the present tense on NPR this morning. I think I was a spy or something and we were in Afghanistan, and I remember some kind of team meeting but that's about it. There was a good reason for it, but I have no idea what it was.
People at work tell me it's because I was taking Zyrtec. Even if it was children's chewable Zyrtec. And apparently Mucinex is even worse. Which is weird - because I already have vivid/strange dreams. I wouldn't attribute either of these to the Zyrtec cuz they're not off the strange radar for me.
One time when I was a teenager, I dreamt that I was actually going out with a boy I had a crush on. So much so that when I woke up, I picked up the phone to call him...Only then realizing that he would be wondering why I was calling him in the morning since we didn't really talk. At all, really. Now that I think of it - I think it was kinda weird that I even knew his phone number.
All that is just to prove that I'm able to deliver wild dreams sans drug interferences. FUN!
Two nights ago I dreamt that my pastor was yelling at me for not going on this trip I was supposed to go on this wknd. I never wanted to go. Ever. And was trying to figure out a way NOT to go. And that's the best part of being sick right now. Not having to go and having a legit excuse.
I also seemed to work in a weird dream about an assasination plot to kill Hamid Karzai. I'm sure that'll get my blog flagged as all kinds of noteworthy, but apparently it was so realistic I was surprised to hear folks talk about him in the present tense on NPR this morning. I think I was a spy or something and we were in Afghanistan, and I remember some kind of team meeting but that's about it. There was a good reason for it, but I have no idea what it was.
People at work tell me it's because I was taking Zyrtec. Even if it was children's chewable Zyrtec. And apparently Mucinex is even worse. Which is weird - because I already have vivid/strange dreams. I wouldn't attribute either of these to the Zyrtec cuz they're not off the strange radar for me.
One time when I was a teenager, I dreamt that I was actually going out with a boy I had a crush on. So much so that when I woke up, I picked up the phone to call him...Only then realizing that he would be wondering why I was calling him in the morning since we didn't really talk. At all, really. Now that I think of it - I think it was kinda weird that I even knew his phone number.
All that is just to prove that I'm able to deliver wild dreams sans drug interferences. FUN!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
being sick bites
I started sneezing Friday night after I got home. Now I'm full-on, glasses-wearing, vitamin-C glutton sick. I dunno if it's just allergies or if I've picked up some kind of bug, but I'm not at 100% by any means. Being sick is a particularly difficult task for me, because I don't respond well to medicine. Or rather I tend not to respond at all. Unless my body's pumped FULL of drugs. That and the fact that I can't swallow normal-sized pills makes treatment difficult.
Here's an interesting list - netflix movie categories recommended to me based on my previous viewing and ratings (only the most interesting categories are listed):
1 - Emotional Movies Featuring a Strong Female Lead
2 - Critically-acclaimed Fight-the-System Movies
3 - Romantic Workplace Comedies
4 - Sentimental Tearjerkers
5 - Suspenseful High School Movies
Here's an interesting list - netflix movie categories recommended to me based on my previous viewing and ratings (only the most interesting categories are listed):
1 - Emotional Movies Featuring a Strong Female Lead
2 - Critically-acclaimed Fight-the-System Movies
3 - Romantic Workplace Comedies
4 - Sentimental Tearjerkers
5 - Suspenseful High School Movies
Monday, March 15, 2010
spring forward
I'm currently suffering from the combined effects of the loss of an hour of sleep and ... a few more from the reading hangover from last night. I have a serious problem with books. I've had it since I was about 9 or 10, I guess. Once I'm into a good book, I can't put it down.
It got so bad with Harry Potter that I read them all in one day - not all seven books in one day, but each book the day I got them. It was awful. Because I started reading them right before book 4 came out. Which meant that I had to wait - years - for each of the next books to come out. What a pain.
Now I'm reading the Percy Jackson and the Olympian series [I love kid fic!]. I love that the books have all already been written, but I'm still having trouble finding the last one in paperback. Meanwhile, I read book 3 and 4 last night. Hence the book hangover.
One another confession? I love Gossip Girl because of Blair & Chuck. And I've always felt like he looks a lil brown - on the show. IRL he's SO white. Not Robert Pattinson white [ew, gross!] - but unmistakably White. And - I hate Serena. She's a selfish idiot who doesn't care about anyone but herself - and her story isn't even interesting.
Now I need sleep.
It got so bad with Harry Potter that I read them all in one day - not all seven books in one day, but each book the day I got them. It was awful. Because I started reading them right before book 4 came out. Which meant that I had to wait - years - for each of the next books to come out. What a pain.
Now I'm reading the Percy Jackson and the Olympian series [I love kid fic!]. I love that the books have all already been written, but I'm still having trouble finding the last one in paperback. Meanwhile, I read book 3 and 4 last night. Hence the book hangover.
One another confession? I love Gossip Girl because of Blair & Chuck. And I've always felt like he looks a lil brown - on the show. IRL he's SO white. Not Robert Pattinson white [ew, gross!] - but unmistakably White. And - I hate Serena. She's a selfish idiot who doesn't care about anyone but herself - and her story isn't even interesting.
Now I need sleep.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
the birthday week - embarrassment
I'm not sure where this comes from, but I have a huge problem with embarrassment. HUGE.
Movies where people do really, really, really stupid things and are made fun of by other people? I can't handle those parts. I end up not liking the movie and feeling really uncomfortable while the incident is taking place.
Just now? I had to mute The Office because Steve Carell - though I love him as a comedic actor - he's SO stupid sometimes that I can't watch. I don't actually watch the show that much anymore - it's just now that Fringe is over...And I can't handle it. It's been on mute for most of the ep.
A few years ago, my boss got married. At her reception, a drunk coworker made a complete @ss of himself. I wanted the ground to open up - and I didn't even know most of the people there. I'd only been at the job a few month - I barely knew my boss.
When I was younger and people who couldn't sing used to get up in front of church to do special music [because it was church and no one had the heart to tell them that they couldn't sing] - I would sink down in my seat and hope no one would look at me. This was actually for two reasons - the fact that I was embarrassed for them, and the fact that I couldn't stop myself from laughing. Sometimes I laugh, even if I'm uncomfortable. Maybe I'm weird that way, I dunno.
But all of this is to say that I feel real anxiety in these and other embarrassing situations. I don't know why, I don't know how to stop it - it doesn't really bother me except for my own discomfort.
Every once in a while I do something personally embarrassing. Or I remember something I did that was. Or I realize that time I thought I was being deep, I was actually NOT. I've had a lot of moments. Even the memories can cause anxiety.
My confession? My continuous fight to be free from shame. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing, but I'm ok.
Movies where people do really, really, really stupid things and are made fun of by other people? I can't handle those parts. I end up not liking the movie and feeling really uncomfortable while the incident is taking place.
Just now? I had to mute The Office because Steve Carell - though I love him as a comedic actor - he's SO stupid sometimes that I can't watch. I don't actually watch the show that much anymore - it's just now that Fringe is over...And I can't handle it. It's been on mute for most of the ep.
A few years ago, my boss got married. At her reception, a drunk coworker made a complete @ss of himself. I wanted the ground to open up - and I didn't even know most of the people there. I'd only been at the job a few month - I barely knew my boss.
When I was younger and people who couldn't sing used to get up in front of church to do special music [because it was church and no one had the heart to tell them that they couldn't sing] - I would sink down in my seat and hope no one would look at me. This was actually for two reasons - the fact that I was embarrassed for them, and the fact that I couldn't stop myself from laughing. Sometimes I laugh, even if I'm uncomfortable. Maybe I'm weird that way, I dunno.
But all of this is to say that I feel real anxiety in these and other embarrassing situations. I don't know why, I don't know how to stop it - it doesn't really bother me except for my own discomfort.
Every once in a while I do something personally embarrassing. Or I remember something I did that was. Or I realize that time I thought I was being deep, I was actually NOT. I've had a lot of moments. Even the memories can cause anxiety.
My confession? My continuous fight to be free from shame. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing, but I'm ok.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
the birthday week - over the hump
Birthdays remind me of things I'd like to get accomplished. I enjoy the celebration of myself, but I also think about what goals I wanted to reach that I haven't reached yet. So sometimes there are moments of melancholy surrounding the bday - but mostly I'm happy.
1 - I love to reward myself during my bday week. Eat the desserts I love, drink juice, sleep late, shop. All my vices in a skirmish of happy indulgence.
1 - I love to reward myself during my bday week. Eat the desserts I love, drink juice, sleep late, shop. All my vices in a skirmish of happy indulgence.
2 - I got plenty of bday wishes from friends and family today, and the one that gave me a warm feeling was an email with the subject line: 'Look Inside' and the body reading: 'Happy Birthday!!!! J'. From the same old friend some people think I should marry.
3 - I'd like to plan more bday festivities for the week and month, even, but I kinda feel like that'd be gratuitous. Especially considering that some of my friends aren't doing well financially right now.
4 - I think I could be happy unemployed. Maybe for a while. If I had some other source of income. I might be just the kind of lazy bum to enjoy never working again.
5 - Random confession: Swallowing pills is really hard for me. So hard I use liquids for cold medicines and chewables for vitamins. I used to try to bury pills in applesauce or yogurt, but I can't even do that anymore.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
the birthday week - Oscar Edition
Amazingly, I'm still awake - watching the Oscars. The 30s are definitely catching up with me - I can't survive on 2hrs of sleep like I used to.
these are my confessions, tonight:
1 - This isn't the first year the Oscars seemed like the white Oscars, but it really feels like it tonight. There's even a black ghetto for the cast of Precious. In fact - all the black people are on the sides or in the back. Sometimes I think things will never changes.
2 - I'm a slob. I only clean up for company - although I really enjoy my house being clean. I just find it difficult to maintain - being lazy, and all. So I really like to have regular company, so I can keep a clean house.
3 - My birthday is coming this week, and I expect things to be very low-key, I kinda would like a week of peace.
4 - Currently, I'm completely addicted to these mango popsicles by Nestle called Delicias. They have chunks of mango in them and they are delicias.
5 - Ever since I heard Wanda Sykes say that Matt Damon looks like Hilary Swank, that is all I see.
these are my confessions, tonight:
1 - This isn't the first year the Oscars seemed like the white Oscars, but it really feels like it tonight. There's even a black ghetto for the cast of Precious. In fact - all the black people are on the sides or in the back. Sometimes I think things will never changes.
2 - I'm a slob. I only clean up for company - although I really enjoy my house being clean. I just find it difficult to maintain - being lazy, and all. So I really like to have regular company, so I can keep a clean house.
3 - My birthday is coming this week, and I expect things to be very low-key, I kinda would like a week of peace.
4 - Currently, I'm completely addicted to these mango popsicles by Nestle called Delicias. They have chunks of mango in them and they are delicias.
5 - Ever since I heard Wanda Sykes say that Matt Damon looks like Hilary Swank, that is all I see.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
work madness
Got off way late tonight and am now staying up too late - as per usual, really. I'm looking forward to spring, and kinda to my bday - if I can get some plans together.
I confess today -
1 - I love talking about people. Not all the time. But when a group gets on a roll, I jump on that bandwagon. It's terrible.
2 - I also love telling secrets. One of the cool things about having friends & family spread out across the country/globe is that you can tell one of them a secret about someone they'll likely never meet, when it's burning a hole in your brain and you just *have* to tell.
3 - Even with all the talking and secret-telling, I really am a good friend. I'm a lazy mofo, but I'll help you move, or just move your furniture. I'll babysit your kid if zie's potty trained. [fyi - zie = gender-neutral pronoun; hir = gender-neutral possessive pronoun]
4 - I've dreamt about that guy some friends want me to marry 3 times this week. I think it's cuz he's moving. Who knows.
5 - Even though I know the crows in Dumbo and Heckle & Jeckle are super-racist, I still love "When I See an Elephant Fly". For the harmonies. I LOVE harmony. I'm like a fiend.
I confess today -
1 - I love talking about people. Not all the time. But when a group gets on a roll, I jump on that bandwagon. It's terrible.
2 - I also love telling secrets. One of the cool things about having friends & family spread out across the country/globe is that you can tell one of them a secret about someone they'll likely never meet, when it's burning a hole in your brain and you just *have* to tell.
3 - Even with all the talking and secret-telling, I really am a good friend. I'm a lazy mofo, but I'll help you move, or just move your furniture. I'll babysit your kid if zie's potty trained. [fyi - zie = gender-neutral pronoun; hir = gender-neutral possessive pronoun]
4 - I've dreamt about that guy some friends want me to marry 3 times this week. I think it's cuz he's moving. Who knows.
5 - Even though I know the crows in Dumbo and Heckle & Jeckle are super-racist, I still love "When I See an Elephant Fly". For the harmonies. I LOVE harmony. I'm like a fiend.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
family ties
Today I came home to help my dad get ready for a trip. I'm realizing that he actually is getting older, and there's nothing he nor I can do about that. He forgot a lot of things today. And that's not usual, but since he was thinking about his trip - I guess it's not cause for real concern.
Today's confessions:
1 - I love mydad parents, but they infuriate me sometimes. I think to myself - how could they possibly have taught me so much when they seem so inept, now? And yet I know they have done a lot for me. I hate feeling ungrateful.
2 - No one at work knows I'm looking for a new job. But I'm not looking as hard as I should be because I kinda feel bad about leaving them when we just lost someone. Even though I don't really feel beholden to them.
3 - Sometimes I want my friends to only be my friends. Or be better friends with me than my other friends. I just don't like getting left out/missing the fun.
4 - I love doing my taxes. It makes me feel in control and well-prepared.
5 - I snore. Enough to make me want to get a recording device and document it to ensure that I won't disturb other people if we spend the night somewhere. I'm very self-conscious about it.
Today's confessions:
1 - I love my
2 - No one at work knows I'm looking for a new job. But I'm not looking as hard as I should be because I kinda feel bad about leaving them when we just lost someone. Even though I don't really feel beholden to them.
3 - Sometimes I want my friends to only be my friends. Or be better friends with me than my other friends. I just don't like getting left out/missing the fun.
4 - I love doing my taxes. It makes me feel in control and well-prepared.
5 - I snore. Enough to make me want to get a recording device and document it to ensure that I won't disturb other people if we spend the night somewhere. I'm very self-conscious about it.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
insecurities
I love a lot about my life, but there are also many things that give me pause - about myself, about my circumstances - so I'm here to say the things I can't say anywhere else.
my first 5 confessions:
1 - I don't go to the doctor because I don't want to know. Ignorance is comfortable sometimes.
2 - I'm halfway secretly in love with the guy everyone thinks I should end up with. The other half of me knows I could never live with him.
3 - I'm trying to stop, but I look down on people who choose to never go to college.
4 - I eat to feel happy, sometimes.
5 - Even though I don't want to seem like it - I'm really all about me.
Maybe I'll uncover some things I didn't know as time goes on. We'll see.
my first 5 confessions:
1 - I don't go to the doctor because I don't want to know. Ignorance is comfortable sometimes.
2 - I'm halfway secretly in love with the guy everyone thinks I should end up with. The other half of me knows I could never live with him.
3 - I'm trying to stop, but I look down on people who choose to never go to college.
4 - I eat to feel happy, sometimes.
5 - Even though I don't want to seem like it - I'm really all about me.
Maybe I'll uncover some things I didn't know as time goes on. We'll see.
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